You're a hot mess, and i'm falling for you. and i'm like, hot damn, let me make you my boo.

fame means nothing unless you do something that's fulfilling you.
-taylor momsen.

Banana peel smoking.

1. Go to the grocery store and buy 10 pounds of bananas. (you used to need 200 pounds, but the potency has gone up 20x in the last 30 years.

2. Remove the skins from the fruit. save the fruit for later - if you mix it with orange juice and drink it while you're smoking, it'll make you trip real hard.

3. Dry the skins in the microwave. this won't affect the potency, as bannadine is not microwave soluble.

4. The next two steps are a simple nonpolar-polar extraction of the bannadine. this is necessary to get rid of the fungicide they put on the skins, which is a type of strychnine. grind up the dried peels really well, and soak them in methylene chloride (zippo lighter fluid makes a good substitute). let soak for 2 days, and then rinse well with ether. discard the liquid and save the mush.

5. Take the mush from step 4 and soak it in ethyl alcohol for another 2 days. filter, and put the mush aside - you won't be smoking it.

6. Evaporate the alcohol. the resultant crystals are 150% pure bannadine. put these in your pipe, light up and enjoy!

7. Bannadine is normally only active when smoked; that's why eating bananas won't do anything. however, that mush left over from step 5 is pretty tasty, bannadine is orally active if potentiated by dried peanut skins! yes, its true. bannadine is really closely related to DMT - it has carbon atoms and everything!

Found this really interesting.

Sweet the sting.

who's going to make me forget you
and get you off my mind?
i could be breaking other people's hearts
if you weren't still breaking mine

She sells sanctuary.

Sometimes i loved being someone random.
kayak blakangan ini, gw lagi seneng2 ngobrol sama someone terus tiba2 gw marah sendiri.. asik banget. it's like no one would ever read your mind, that's basically what i'm trying to do right then. cuma sugesti, tapi emang kadang pikiran kebaca itu yang bkin kita susah. being persuaded over someone's mind, being used for their own advantages. let me give you some tips to avoid your mind being read!
1. don't be too honest, don't lie either. say only what you need to talk.
2. in case you are in a private discussion and you are freezed to death, keep looking someone straight to their eyes even if you are in a state of anxiety. this will boost you up.
3. divert your conversation if you think someone is trying to reveal something. if he or she keeps on insisting you, tell them that you won't speak any further and pretend to be mad :p
4. don't you ever trust a person who says "trust me". they are totally lying.
well thats all i did and it works so far. don't blame me if it doesn't works on you hahaha.

Baru post ke brapa belas ya? sayang bgt deh mesti ngulang, abis yg lama udah jelek banget. i'm a perfectionist loh, liat blog lama gw yg post nya ada yg aneh dikit aja lgsg gw edit. trus skarang bikin yg baru deh, padahal yg lama udah 100an. pengen buru2 penuh blog nya. anyway a week to go and the school will return my blackberry :D was planning to sell it and buy the new one, since my gemini was being used by.. nevermind, pegel2 nih gara2 kemaren gw iseng2 celeb terus maen alat nya kebanyakan. besok gw ada janji lagi ama trainernya jem 3. tell me if any of you goes to the gym so gw ga sendirian disana kan bosen bgt.

I second that emulsion.

Karna gw males pake inggris jadi pake indo aja ya hahaha. Orang2 sekarang tuh aneh. semua dibilang antichrist, barcodes dibilang 666, simbol peace dibilang salib yang dipatahin, tanda sebelum & sesudah doa catholic dbilang salib kebalik. celebrities2 kyk gaga, beyonce, usher etc dituduh illuminati, lady gaga dibilang satanic gara2 di lagu nya dia yg bad romance pertama nya ada "ra ra rah ah ah ah, roma roma ma" katanya "ra" nya maksudnya sun god, terus gara2 dia, hayley williams, jay-z dll juga constantly hiding one of their eyes at their pictures. this is the so called all-seeing-eye.

so i will take a statement from the controversial article i googled. sorry if i was revolving around gaga only, soalnya dia punya yg paling heboh hahaha. and so so sorry for not putting the main picture, there was an error occured while uploading :(

"Gaga is standing between both pillars, wearing Hello Kitty shoes, occultly referring to mind control programming (innocence, childhood, re-education, etc). Her eyes are closed but she has wide-open eyes painted on her eyelids, which is very symbolic: her eyes seem open but they are still wide shut."

The article said gaga's picture refers to the two pillars of jachim and boaz, depicted in a great number of masonic works of arts. so what with the masonic symbology and so what with the god damn HELLO KITTY? does masonic symbol means something bad? what if they were religious symbols? i don't think all celebrities should be an open book. do you have a problem with her just because she has a different outlook from you? don't you think if the illuminati exists they will be aware of what people arguing about them, then come bashing down your doors and eat your brains? she is not stupid btw. it is fun playing with ancient symbology and i think she wouldn't even know where to start in becoming a satan-worshipper.. i doubt she has the time to execute a hidden agenda at the same time designing, write musics, becoming a creative director, nevermind all the interviews with her fans. lady gaga has recently met the queen of england and some people said she was using a red dress that refers to the red queen from alice in wonderland that is masonic so they spread the rumours that the queen is the mother of illuminati. so not ethical.

Nah, this is baphomet, it appears as a figure of satanism.

Lady gaga had once rolled her hair up and looked like a bull's head, then some sheeple questioned it as "is it a baphomet's head on her head?" (as a lot of you may know she likes doing her hair like a ribbon etc), then the picture above itu katanya pose nya looks like baphomet. tp gw ga percaya lah. lady gaga enjoys any kind of fame so she puts any kind of symbols in her videos. she will get more attention no matter if she believes in the crap or not. more and more people became more obsessed with this devil or satanic idea, so you are the one who believed in satans kan? :p if you aren't suitable to the whole demonic things then why do you care? it's like you're being brainwashed to have you thinking about it constantly and it gives her more attention. if you like the dance/electropop thing so just listen to her songs and you will be fascinated no matter how bad the rumour sticks to her, what matters is how you could say she is talented after seeing her playing all the melody on her piano at the stages. she is not a male by the way. she have two genitals, just a little bit penis but she considers herself as a female because it doesn't affect anything to her. and if she does believe in all the demonic minds does it affect her performances, her attitudes? no it doesn't, she even bought her fans pizza while they were lining up to buy her CDs, so i'm so sure you don't need any enlightenment haha, i want a slice of pizza from gaga too :)
eh sori jadi campur2 pake english keterusan hahaha.

Alone again or ...

If you think you know what's going on inside someone else's head, think again. we imagine that love gives us power to read one another's mind, when all we are really doing is reading our own. it's a great self-defense mechanism but no substitute for actual communication. when we enter into a relationship, we want to know that person, every single detail. the best way to know what's really going on someone's mind is also the riskiest : you have to ask them.

Haven't met you for quite a long time. i know you are having a great time with your companion, so i won't disturb you. sometimes i was scared that someday you'll left but i knew maybe it's got nothing to do with me. you always find out how to makes me paranoid. trapped in my own head, without any exit strategy, conflicted by doubt about you and your girlfriend and with only my obsessions, reality takes a backseat to anxiety, changing shape faster than a coney island contortionist. i was realizing that the worst place to be lost was in my own head. i am scared, yet fear is what makes me feel most alive. will i ever feel again the way you makes me feel right now? will i ever kiss your lips again? will this be our last day to say things to each other? the uncertainty keeps me on the rim, sharp, living in suspense, at the edge of possibility. i knew that i had something inside of me that i wanted back, what exactly that was, is you. it's like once i have been loved, my soul will never forget you, even if my mind does. love always becomes the part of my DNA, my essence, my needs. it is as much as knowledge as feeling, possessed by the deepest part of my heart and soul. this can be a blessing and a curse. there is no way to fill the emptiness, no treatment for the persistent pain of love thats gone and missing, except its return.

Sometimes you have to go it alone.

No guts, no glory. like a kamikaze, there are times when you may be required to leave the life you knew behind and give it over a greater purpose. the costs can be high, to your heart, soul, and reputation. whether or nor what you gain will ultimately outweigh what you gave is impossible to know, and really irrelevant. your comfort comes in the knowledge that some things are worth sacrificing for.

Oh, mama!

Being someone who you're not is exhausting. but better to be phony than lonely. that was the way i saw it. in my experience, sitting ducks were dead ducks. but with my whole duck scenario, the question was: was it better to waddle alone in agonizing fear that i would be caught and dragged away at any given moment or was it better to know what i was surrounded by other "ducks" that looked and acted exactly like me, possibly sparing my life by sacrificing theirs? our will to survuve is inherent, i thought, and our will to be popular is survival.

Sorry for putting johnny bravo here. just realized how i used to love watching the series at cartoon network past years ago. his catchphrases "oh, mama!" became popular, fall in love with him. but it doesn't mean that i like big guys. give me a muscular beefcakes and i will turn my head to a dork who loves reading comic books. they are just cute.

Anyway, missing someone who looks like a dork. when i thought it was the time to let go, it it just depressing. letting go, for anyone at any time, can be the hardest thing to do. it is an admission of defeat, of failure. i was one of those people. letting go meant that it was time to give up on everything i had hoped for and dreamed about. that everything i had wanted for was all for nothing. that life was more or less a crapshoot and i had rolled a seven.

School is random, love can also be random.

some kids in my school are riot, they seemed to be brainwashed and obsessed becoming one of the boho popular team. we have the whole concept of popularity backward. we imagine it as a small and exclusive club of people we idolize or envy. but most of popular people are hated by the majority. they tend to be a little too outspoken and selfish, egocentric and had a tons of henchman or followers. so, if you are despised by everyone outside your little clique, and liked only by those inside it, you are vastly unpopular by any objective measure. aneh, malah jadi norak. the key to ultimate popularity isn't to be loved or envied by as many as people as possible but to be loved or envied by the right people, i understood this instinctively. whatsoever about the kids inside my school, they sucks. a few months more and i'll leave :D i don't really have a bestfriend, but i do have an enemy. the great thing about having an enemy is that you know exactly where that person stands. you can't be surprised by a backstab because you know always to be on your guard. in fact, their opposition to you actually helps to make you sharper, by forcing you to justify your own actions and opinions, sometimes even to yourself. if you want sympathy, look for a friend, but if you want honesty, an enemy might be the best friend you ever had :p

now listening to david choi's by my side, kept on playing it thousand times.

so, do you have one of your most favourite love song? like a tune you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try, love is something you can't get out of your heart. you become trapped in an emotional cul de sac hahaha i mean dead end, going round and round and ending up exactly where you started. breaking free, or not, is usually determined by whether you want to get somewhere slowly or nowhere fast. kudo for kesha, love is really a drug. falling in love is a transformational but not always in the ways that we hope. you go from being a whole person to being a half a relationship, sometimes losing a large part of yourself in the process. unfortunately, it is almost always the secure, self-assured part that turns up missing. but the real trouble begins when you need another person to help you find it. love is never quite what you expected.

that's it, had written a lot, and so sorry for all of you who couldn't enter my previous blog, again, sorry.

i went to puri yesterday with my friends and it was breathtaking. a week ago me and him were planning to go and watch a movie but bcos we've been quarelling a few days ago so we haven't had informed each other about our plan so i thought we wouldn't met. it was around three when we were at gramedia. and hey, i saw him.

i can now see everything

falling to pieces before my eyes

it was really great and gratifying to get him around yesterday. i know i was kinda creepy when i was passing him and i looked back a few times to look what was he doing there, so i decided to call or text him but i just noticed that i had left my phone back in the car.

so it was about seven when me and my friends went to starbucks to get something to drink. they asked me if i choosed sitting inside or outside the cafe, so i told them to take a seat outside because the wind is usually cold around seven or eight. after a while, if i wasn't mistaken, i noticed someone looking at me in the distance. him again.

if i, if i have been unkind,

i hope that you can just let it go by.

if i, if i have been untrue,

i hope you know it was never to you.

it's not you, it's me.

these are the most dreaded words spoken in any relationship. if you hear them, or if you find yourself wanting to say them, you can be pretty sure it's over. a soft landing is being prepared, but the end result is not in question. whoever offers this duplicitous explanation on the way out may not be sure of what they want exactly, but they are sure of what they don't want-you.

Hahaha

keep the change

holding on to someone you know you have to let go of isn't just a way to delay the inevitable for them, but for yourself as well. it protects you from having to make the transition you are about to impose until you are good and ready. like canceling on an out-of-town guest you've been longing to see, but never quite had the time to plan for, it is the convenient, easy way out-for you.

they call it falling for someone for a reason. like some silent movie banana peel, love can trip you up and bring you down flat on your back when you least expect it. either you will bounce right up, undaunted, or become paralyzed. either way, you will carry the reminder of it forever. whether it leaves a tiny scar or a permanent injury, only the future can tell.

i was feeling insecure you might not love me anymore.

we don't miss what we never had, but we miss terribly things we almost had. and we miss things we used to have most of all. though we hope and pray for our relationships, our looks, and our lives to improve, having more also means having more to lose.

Fyi .

you can only get outside by looking inside. some people are in constant fear that their heart might cease between beats, feeling each pulse as a countdown to the end and rather than a vital sign of life. others are barely aware that they even have a heart beating inside them, moving through the day unecumbered by the complexity of their inner workings. worry may not change the outcome, but it definitely affects your outlook. better to care too much than too little?

if you can't say something nice, lie. words not only help us express emotion, they distance us from it as well. they can be useful safety net, protecting your heart from overexposure, parceling out your true feelings in carefully crafted syllables rather than gushing sincerity. they can also be misinterpreted, doing damage by creating an impression in someone else's mind that wasn't intended. sometimes, things really are better left unsaid.

hope against hope.
most hope is false if you think about it. it's a belief that an outcome will be positive despite evidence to the contrary. but where would we be without it? it's the mind's compass and the heart's buoy, which we cling to as we wait for help to arrive. without hope, life is sink or swim.